Somewhere between ‘My sunshine has come’ & ‘I’m all cried out.’

Grief is startling, and scary, and new, and painful, and changing, and it last as long as love does. Very rarely can we pinpoint a time that we didn’t love someone any more. Even at the height of our frustrations or legitimized anger with them, thats not the point of love ending. And so it is with grief. It never in totality goes away it simply changes its form. It moves the space it takes in our body and our lives and we acclimate to it until it fits like a glove. Over time, I’ve prayed and earnestly worked towards having the right things to say to those grieving. My cousin who lost her mom (my aunt) in 2001 once told me afterwards she hated to hear people say to her: “I’m sorry to hear that.” She explained her confusion with what they were sorry for? & why were they sorry? In other words it offered no solace, and more anger with the lifeless words people offered out of routine. I now am cognizant of not placing the ‘responsibility’ of death on anyone by saying things like “I'm sorry.” I also found its important to not place expectations on how any one plans to handle or express their grief. As I mentioned before, grief grows to fit you and function with you in your everyday life.

"When you address someone grieving you are addressing a new part of them they will wear forever. In the beginning, it may appear like a black veil and lace gloves, another day in the future it may just be a hand bag and another a pair of glasses."

It continues to function with the griever but it is never the grievers full identity. Somewhere an optimist will read this and use another cliche saying like:” it won’t be that way forever.” Or your favorite church aunties go -to “weeping may endure for the night but JOY…” you know the rest ( if not its "Joy comes in the morning.") However, the reality in grief is that it doesn’t go away. It adjusts. It slowly becomes less of a distraction from the “new normal” and it begins to function with you rather than against you. I try not to give any one the false hope that they will look up and not feel the pain anymore. The unfortunate aspect of grief is that its phases recycle, and the ‘progress’ you had last year on that day you may not have this same time next year. The very reason ‘progress’ is in air quotes is because however that anniversary date, or commemoration looks on any given day will vary.

"Losing loved ones, grieving, is adjusting to a new life without physically having the representation of a large part of your memories and joy. Grief is an adjustment."

A long road of turns and dips adjusting to someone or something you may have never expected being without. The journey of knowing who you are is widely credited to having had relationships with those you love. Naturally getting to know you without them is an adjustment to say the least. I want to give hope to the grieving and those who care for the grieving by speaking the reality that this hurts and will hurt and hurt some more. I would rather acknowledge the humanity of your feelings than soothe myself with what will sound like you feel better. Days will pass, and time will double and moments will come that feel like it just happened. Live fully in those moments. Remember those loved ones, weep with their picture, and listen to their favorite songs.

"After you have honored their life and what it meant to you, you MUST decide to get up and keep living."

Life is still yours to paint and as their memory dances in who you continuously become, those lost loved ones have chance to keep painting this world too. Life goes on, as painful as that sounds and feels, it does. If you are still here, you must also. The joy in this pain, is that you get to bring them along with you in your heart and your living, until you’re together again.